Self-worth
(noun)
The sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Cutting straight to the chase, I consider myself quite lacking in self-worth. It feels weird to write about it also, because I have a maddening voice at the back of my mind whispering that it’ll seem like I’m talking about it only because I’m fishing for compliments. #eyeroll Of course, I know better than to believe that (I think). But my ideas of self-worth are so enmeshed in what other people think about me, that it’s sometimes difficult to separate what others think of me versus what I think of myself.

I was raised with the “Sharma ji ke bete ko dekho” school of thought and whatever I did was maybe good...but just not good enough. Because, Sharma ji ka beta did it so much better. I suppose the intention – as wrong as it was, was to propel me to work harder and achieve greater things. But it didn’t. It had quite the opposite effect. I began to believe that maybe my elders were right and I really wasn’t any good, as they obviously knew better. It’s taken many years and many more hours of conversation with my therapist for my mind to start saying “you know, maybe they weren’t quite right.” But of course, I don’t fully believe this voice in my head.

I find that my ideas of self-worth run so deeply under the surface that it has potency even now. I worry about my body and its changes. I worry about my freelance work (or lack thereof). I also worry about my friendships. I worry so much that I sometimes find myself unable to convince my mind that the thoughts in my head aren’t real. And then the ensuing guilt. Agh, the guilt. What is up with that? Sometimes it is so debilitating, and it just reinforces the negativity my mind is feeling. 

So what am I doing about this you might be wondering? Unfortunately, it’s not as easy to just roll over and suddenly begin to believe in myself. There are days when I am able to admit that I am proud of my achievements and have confidence in my abilities. But there are also days, when I am convinced that I’m incapable of completing even the smallest simplest of tasks. Thankfully though over time, these days have grown fewer in number. But they have lasting effects of fog on the mind that takes longer to clear. The struggle is real.

I don’t consider this article to be a confessional blog. It’s more of a narration of what I feel many people will resonate with. Because the more I talk about my dealings with mental health, the more I hear stories similar to mine. For what it’s worth, one thing that has always stuck with me was that I was valid and in time, I would fully appreciate the hard work that I have put in rebuilding my association with myself.