Staying at home/self-isolation/quarantine...call it what you like. It's been a rough 116 days and boy has it sucked :-/. At some point when the lockdown was announced in India, I was naive enough to think that it'll be short lived. Close to four months later, I'm less delusional. Sigh...

Just the other day, I had a panic attack that was triggered by the decadent scents of shrimp curry wafting into my kitchen from the neighbouring flat. While I pondered the best way to invite myself to the neighbour's home for lunch, I also wondered about when it'd be possible for me to have shrimp curry at a restaurant...I then tried to remember the last time I actually sat down at a restaurant for a meal...I further thought about how long it had been since I've met my friends for a meal....How long has it been since I hugged them?...Will I ever get to touch them?...As my thoughts spiraled unbridled, it was lights out in my mind at that point and I was reduced to a sobbing blithering mess on my kitchen floor...it wasn't nice....not nice at all...

It's been a few days since the attack and now that the panic has ebbed, I've begun to day dream about life post quarantine but, with an edge of fear. I abhor the phrase "the new normal". I physically cringe at the mention of it. Yet I suppose it can't be denied. I wonder what kind of social life is waiting for me once we're allowed to set out. Will I remain terrified of being caught in a crowd, touching surfaces and eating at a chaat stall? Will this be what we consider "normal"?! I know I'm going to hate it...I also know that I'm going to have very little choice...

Until I figure out what's in store for me, I continue to read, day dream, stretch and repeat in an attempt to retain my sanity.

Disclaimer: This is a personal account about my most recent associations with the lockdown and my mental health during this time. I am aware that I am privileged to have not seen a day of hardship and loss that many across the country have. This post is in no way an attempt to diminish or ignore the sufferings of my fellow humans across the world.